Thursday, 8 March 2012

My disloyal mind

Here's a funny thing. Barring any massive changes, I have about 2,000 words left to write. Ordinarily that would take me an evening. But I have been pondering this last stretch for a couple of days, and have yet to make any effort to actually get them done.
It's not like I don't know what each word is going to be - the three chapters they come from are all done in note form, and I know what I want to say - but still I find myself writing other stuff (including this rumination, and rambling things about the genius of the songs Duel, Jewel and Jewelled by Propaganda) and not getting the final bit done. Why is this?
Two nights ago I woke from a really horrible dream in which I was being chased around my hometown by a very large male lion. I did everything I could to shake it off and ended up cramped between a red steel bar and a glass roof, quite high up, hoping the lion wouldn't realise it could jump on the bin as I did and eat me. Despite being incredibly scared, I kept saying to myself "Of course this is a dream! Where the hell would a lion come from in Thornbury?"
Luckily I woke before the beast realised that the bin would be a good springboard, but did a status update on Facebook about the nature of my night. A colleague suggested that dreams like this meant either a fear of authority (ha!) or a fear of not being able to live up to expectations. I think this is something my dad suffered from - he would rather throw out substandard work than let anyone see it - and so I can only conclude that this bout of procrastination (and my god, am I good at procrastinating) might be due to a worry about saying "it's finished" and then having people read it.
I've been pretty confident through the writing process itself, so find myself a bit baffled by this apparent bit of doubt. I thought I'd left that behind me, but apparently not.
Anyway, another of my bits of procrastination activity has been writing some short stories, including the slightly horrible one I'm going to post in a minute. As with the Flight Fiction I did earlier (there will be another of those on Saturday, btw) it's a first draft + line edit.

No comments:

Post a Comment